Twilight Skits

[bite_me]

Jasper: Alice, give me that pen, I need to sign the PG-13 contract too-
*bella and edward appear*
Bella: *diving for the pen* NOOOOOOO!!!
Edward: You can't sign that contract! What will Bella and I to do to entertain ourselves if everything has to be PG?
Director: BELLA! STOP TRYING TO EAT THAT PEN! Edward, in case you haven't noticed, you can do PG-13 things if you wish, you just can't do them here.
Renesmee: If you do, we'll all get in trouble and the Lex girls will all get in trouble and we'll all poof out of existence and go back to living our boringly incredibly happy lives of post-Breaking Dawn.
Everyone:
Jasper: poof . . . out . . . of existence? *crying* I don't wanna poof out of existence! I want to stay here! But of course we will poof out of existence, won't we, because the world hates us! Where's Knifey, I miss Knifey, and Spoonie . . .
Jacob: Jasper, the whole emo thing is really getting old now.
Alice: Don't ever insult my precious love!! (pulls Bob out of nowhere)
Jacob: Okay, fine Miss Sith Lord, whatever you say.
*Knifey and Spoonie appear*
Jasper: Knifey! I thought you broke! There is hope in the world after all . . .
Knifey: Umm, Jasper, I really can't help you right now, I umm, have something to tell you.
Jasper: What?
Knifey: Me and Spoonie are . . . going out.
Jasper: WHAT?
Spoonie: We love each other. We can't help you when you're emo anymore. We already have a whole family - Forkie and Forrki and Forkey. We're going to live happily ever after in the LFSC.
Emmett: I thought we were done with LFSC now.
Jasper: WHAT?
Spoonie and Knifey: Goodbye . . . *mysterious wind wraps around them as they fade away mysteriously*
Everyone:
Camera Man: Umm, director?
Director: Not now, camera man. We're having some trouble with the actors.
Camera Man: But director . . .
Director: Just shut up okay?
Camera Man: But director, I accidentally just caught that all on film and it's live on the news right now.
Director: OMG

[ChasingTheCullens!<3]

Esme: *running around the room* OMGOMGOMGOMG Where going to DIEEEE! Everyone! RUN FOR YOU'RE UNDEAD-LIVES!
Emmett: *clutching a teddybear and rocking back and forth in the feotal position* It's okay...It's okay...It's okay...SuperTeddy will protect me...
Rose: You know, sometimes I wonder why I married him....55 times.
Edward: *sucking his thumb then reaslizes the camera's on him and takes his thumb out* I don't suck my thumb...No...Cuz I'm a big boy...Eesme told me! She said it was because I weared my big boys pants now.
Bella: *HEADDESK* *HEADDESK*
Carlisle: EVERYONE. CALM DOWN. NOW.
*Everything stops*
Carlisle: No No, time you continue running.
Time: psshh you could have said that! *Time starts moving again*
Alice: *pies knife out of Jasper's fingers* Seriously! It's not the end of the world. The Volturi won't find out! Well...They won't find out about it until-
*dramatic music*
*lights turn off*
*these little star things wont even work--->***
Voice 1: Until now that is.
Voice 2: Was that what you were going to say?
Voice 3: Can't we just kill them? Why does master want them anyways?
Director: *really old voice* Show yourself unkind villans!
Bella: Umm dude, what happened to you're voice?
Edward: *giggles* Yeah, it's all...Not coool....
Bella: Smooooth Edward. Smoooooooth.
*Lights switch on*
Everyone: *LEGASP*
**: *star gasp*

The lights turned on and the three figures dropped their hoods to reveal themselves as..........

ahhhh do you guys hate Cliff Hangers as much as I do? Good, because then the next person will carry on that sentence and the SKIT and all will be well

Tune in next time viewers for more comedy fun! *fuzzy TV static*

[Mrs.Edward_Cullen<3]

*Back to Bella and Edward*
Edward: Thank god you're not cheerleader preppy anymore...
Bella: I know..it was even worse than when I was emo.
Jasper: *poofs in* Did someone say..emo?
Edward and Bella: *sigh* JASPER!
Bella: Knifey is not here.
Edward: Spoonie is not here.
Jasper: No I'm looking for Forkie. Did you guys see him while commiting an act of PG-13 stuff?
Bella: Yes. He went that way.>>>>>>>>>
Jasper: EMO MAN TO THE RESCUE!!

[bite_me]

*back to the three mysterious voices*

Director: The lights turned on and the three figures dropped their hoods to reveal themselves as..........
Esme: Umm, director, we don't need narration from you. It's called a star, and it looks like this: *
Carlisle: You use them to inidicate unsaid actions. *claps*
Director: Oh, umm, right, well, anyways, I'll umm, just, errr . . . continue.

*The lights turned on and the three figures dropped their hoods to reveal themselves as..........*

Everyone: CHARLIE, PHIL AND MR WEBER? WTF??
Charlie: Umm, hi guys. We found this voice transformer thingy backstage . . . *holds up box*
Phil: And accidentally used it.
Mr Weber: I heard screaming coming from the Skits thread and got worried, so I called Charlie, and Charlie called Renee to see if she'd heard, and Phil answered and said he'd come look too, so I picked them up from their threads in Sparkling in the Sun and drove around here.
Carlisle: But who is the "Master" you were talking about?
Emmett: You can drive through the forums?
Phil: I don't know, we found this bit of paper that looked like a script and started reading from it -
*dramatic music*
*lights turn off*
Voice 1: Until now that is.
Voice 2: Was that what you were going to say?
Voice 3: Can't we just kill them? Why does master want them anyways?

*The lights turned on and the three figures dropped their hoods to reveal themselves as.......... Jane, Alec and Felix!*

Director: Now those three appearing makes sense!
Jane: Who DARED to read OUR lines from OUR script?
Alec: They messed up the show and ruined our dramatic entrance!
Jane: Whoever it was will BURN in the FIERY PITS OF HELL!!
Felix: *wink wink wink wink wink wink*
Phil: Whats wrong with that guy?
Carlisle: Oh, you mean Felix? There was this time where Bella went to Volterra and he winked at her so much that now he just winks spastically all the time.
Felix:
Charlie: Speaking of Bella, where are her and Edward?
Everyone:
Emmett:
Esme: *whisper* they're doing non-PG things in another room, if you catch my drift.
Charlie:
Jane: AHA! Is this the one that dared read our script? Why, he's mortal! BURN HIM!!
Charlie:*screeching in agony* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alice: Charlie, she's not even burning you yet.

[edward x lover]

when did this take such a morbid turn??

Charlie: oh right.
Nessie: quick all my cuttlery back to the magic draws
Director: CUT!!!!!!
Jane: you can't command me!!!!
Director: uh yes I can check the contract
Jane: burn the contract in the firey pits of LFSC!!!!
Director: ok moving on...Nessie you can't control the silverware anymore I told you that
Nessie: But I can still love them duh
Director: uhm ok UN-CUT!!!
Jane: I believe the word is ACTION!!!
Director: SHUT UP!!! ACTION!!!!
Jane: I will now burn you Charlie!!
Bella: NOOOOO *throws Jane really hard with all her newborn strength*
Jane: *flying through the air* ahh!!!
Alec: Okay wait!! Jane was the one who came up with the evil plot I have no idea why we are here
Felix: me neither
Edward: so leave
Alec: good plan
Jane: *still flying through the air* ahh!!! no!!! my plan is foiled *flicks random light switch off*
Emmett: no I'm afraid of the dark!! where's superteddy??
Edward:where's my thumb
Bella: oye!!
Carlisle: since when are you Jewish??
Bella: since the lights turned off!!
Carlisle: oh congrats

[ScreamingFanGirl]

Emmet: Merry Christmas Bella!!!!
Edward: Emmet you do know Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas right?
Alice: Yeah, and by the way, its June...
Emmet: Oh, WELL HAPPY EASTER!!
Bella: oye.. can someone just turn the lights back on
everyone except Bella: *realizes the lights are still off
Edward: Bella, I'm scared!!!! *Sucks thumb*
Bella: Renesmee!! Get over here and comfort your daddy!!!
Renesmee: Okay mommy!! *claps twice* FORKIE!! COME KEEP DADDY SAFE!
Jasper: FORKIE!!!! *runs in circles* I can't see her.. WHY CAN'T I SEE HER???
Bella: Jasper, the lights are still off..
Director: CUTTTT! Renesmee, who gave you permission to control silverware?!
Renesmee: Haha who said I was?
Director: Umm, you just summoned forkie?
Renesmee: I just like making uncle Jasper crazy. Heh
Director: FINE! UN-CUT!!
Emmet: For the last time, Its ACTION!
Director: THATS IT! I'M LEAVING!!!!*walks out* AHHHHHHHH* runs back in. It's scary outside.....
Emmet: Are you done?
Director: Yes.. NOW ACTION!
Bella: FINALLY. Okay, Jasper, as you heard, Forkie is not here
Jasper: Curses... RENESMEE WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME!?
Renesmee: Its funny... heh.
Edward: *crying in a fetal position* Its okay, just dark. JUST DARKKKK!
Bella: Okay, can we just turn the lights back on now?
Voice: NEVERR!!
Carlisle: What was that????
Voice: MUAHAHAHAHAA
Bella: *screams* WHO'S THERE?
Voice: I'm the light bulb. You can call me Lighty!
Alice: Oh, he shouldn't have said that...
Jasper: *slowly* Lighty? *quicker and louder* Lighty??? *screams* LIGHTY!!!!!
Alice: here he goes again...
Lightie: Why is he screaming at me?
Forkie: *hops in the door* hey man, thanks for replacing me as Jaspers love interest!
Lightie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bella: Lighty, will you turn back on?
Lightie: I can't.. she told me not to..
Bella: She?
Jane: YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME?? AFTER 1 POST??

[bite_me]

Since I started writing skits!

Bella: Don't be stupid, of course we didn't forget about you, we just thought you were . . . doing things with Bob.
Renesmee: And we don't like you.
Jane: I've been standing here THIS ENTIRE TIME! For the whole post I was waiting for you say "Oh, where's Jane, she can turn the lights on, because she's such a great character," unlike all of you!
Everyone:
Edward: I found my thumb! Bella, love, you don't have to comfort me anymore . . . my thumb and I will always be inseparable . . .
Emmett: *whisper* I didn't realise Jane was that up herself.
Jane: I HEARD THAT! NOW TO INFLICT MY POWERS OF PAIN ON YOU! BURN! *narrows eyes and grins*
Renesmee: Forkie! Save Emmett! Now!
Forkie: Renesmee, the director said you couldn't control silverware!
Renesmee: But I can ask them very nicely and save them from Jasper . . . but if you don't do as I say, Jasper will be here loving you in five, four, three . . .
Forkie: STOP COUNTING! I'm doing it *pokes Jane in the eye*
Jane: Ahh! My magic powers of torture! They're gone! Why do you all do this to me? It's not fair, everyone hates me, and no one cares about Alec, they don't worry if he kills hundreds but everyone's on me like flies as soon as I even suggest using my power on someone . . . its not fair! I hate everyone for doing this to me! *bursts into tears*
Everyone:
Lightie: So Jasper's found a friend, yeah yeah yeah. Can we forget about her now?

[imwiththewolf23]

WHAT HAPPENS AT LA PUSH BONFIRES... part one


Embry: ewww Jake you smell like Paul after he eats onion rings.
Paul: hey!
Jake: *warming his hands by the fire* i was visiting Nessie today. (stares off into space with love-eyes)
Jared: oh yeah. lake monster baby.
Jake: JARED I'LL KILL YOU!
Sam: hey, anybody seen Quil?
Quil: (walking over toward fire) HEUY GUYEEZ!!! (stumbles)
Embry: Quil are you wasted?
Quil: *rips off shirt* I FEEL SO ALIEEEVE!!!!!
Jared: yeah he's wasted.
Sam: Quil! where'd you get the booze?!?!
Everyone: *stares*
Crickets: chirp, chirp
Sam: ....uhhh...you know, not that I want any....
Colin: *gay voice* who wants marshmallows?!?!
Seth: MEEEE!!!!!
Brady: Colin, stop being a curvy line.
Paul: STRAIT IS GREAT!!!
Colin: what? marshmallows are good! *cuddles marshmallow bag*
Embry: eww! now we can't have any you gave it aids!!!
Colin: *bottom lip quavers* YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!!! *runs away crying into hands*
Brady: I'm telling you. curvy line.
Quil: I LIKE CURY! *burp*
Brady: No! curv- ughh, nevermind.
Sam: *gets up* I'm gonna look for Quil's boo- I MEAN..IM GONNA GO...SHAVE. *runs away*
Jacob:...okay...
Jared: *chewing* hey guys, this cake is really good!
Embry: what cake?
Jared: *points to plate* This one!
Paul: who brought cake?
(nobody answers)
Jared:....oh crap.
*FART*
Everyone: *laughs*
Jared: I-IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS....SETH!!
Seth: No it wasn't!
Jared: *cheeks turn bright red*
(everyone hears booming laughter in the distance)
Jared: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob: *cracking up* Emmett deserves a medal of honor for that!
Sam: *returns* IT SMELLS *BURP* REEELY BAD
Brady: great, now Sam's wasted!
Seth: what does wasted mean?
Embry: Seth, you're young un-adulterated ears aren't supposed to know yet.
Seth: Awww! *pouts*
Jacob: Sam you need to go to a support group or something i think you have a problem...
Sam: YOUUR THE ONE WIT THE PREEEOBLEM! YOU HIT ON SMALL CHEEELDREN! *points to Jacob drunkenly*
Jacob: SHUT UP! YOU'RE A COLD TURKEY, MAN!
Sam: IEEEM NOT TURKEY!!!
Jacob: ITS A FRIGGIN IDIOM!!!
Sam: YOUR THE IDIOM!!!
Brady: Jeez, you two always fight!!!
Jacob: Yeah well-!...oh great Quil's gone again.
Quil: *runs out from trees NUDE* I FEEEEL SWO ALIEEEVE!!!! *runs around in circles*
Jacob: AHHHHH!!!!! *covers eyes*
Paul: Quil put some pants on darnit!
Quil: I CYAN FEEL THE WIND SURGING THROO MYY-
Embry: PLEASE DO NOT FINISH THE SENTENCE!!!
Sam: GO QU *burp* QUIL!!!
(the last section of this scene was removed due to nudity, quilute boy anger, cussing from paul, and Jake going blind from quil's birthday suit spree.)

[DoNotFeartheDark]

WHAT HAPPENS AT LA PUSH BONFIRES... part one


Embry: ewww Jake you smell like Paul after he eats onion rings.
Paul: hey!
Jake: *warming his hands by the fire* i was visiting Nessie today. (stares off into space with love-eyes)
Jared: oh yeah. lake monster baby.
Jake: JARED I'LL KILL YOU!
Sam: hey, anybody seen Quil?
Quil: (walking over toward fire) HEUY GUYEEZ!!! (stumbles)
Embry: Quil are you wasted?
Quil: *rips off shirt* I FEEL SO ALIEEEVE!!!!!
Jared: yeah he's wasted.
Sam: Quil! where'd you get the booze?!?!
Everyone: *stares*
Crickets: chirp, chirp
Sam: ....uhhh...you know, not that I want any....
Colin: *gay voice* who wants marshmallows?!?!
Seth: MEEEE!!!!!
Brady: Colin, stop being a curvy line.
Paul: STRAIT IS GREAT!!!
Colin: what? marshmallows are good! *cuddles marshmallow bag*
Embry: eww! now we can't have any you gave it aids!!!
Colin: *bottom lip quavers* YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!!! *runs away crying into hands*
Brady: I'm telling you. curvy line.
Quil: I LIKE CURY! *burp*
Brady: No! curv- ughh, nevermind.
Sam: *gets up* I'm gonna look for Quil's boo- I MEAN..IM GONNA GO...SHAVE. *runs away*
Jacob:...okay...
Jared: *chewing* hey guys, this cake is really good!
Embry: what cake?
Jared: *points to plate* This one!
Paul: who brought cake?
(nobody answers)
Jared:....oh crap.
*FART*
Everyone: *laughs*
Jared: I-IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS....SETH!!
Seth: No it wasn't!
Jared: *cheeks turn bright red*
(everyone hears booming laughter in the distance)
Jared: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob: *cracking up* Emmett deserves a medal of honor for that!
Sam: *returns* IT SMELLS *BURP* REEELY BAD
Brady: great, now Sam's wasted!
Seth: what does wasted mean?
Embry: Seth, you're young un-adulterated ears aren't supposed to know yet.
Seth: Awww! *pouts*
Jacob: Sam you need to go to a support group or something i think you have a problem...
Sam: YOUUR THE ONE WIT THE PREEEOBLEM! YOU HIT ON SMALL CHEEELDREN! *points to Jacob drunkenly*
Jacob: SHUT UP! YOU'RE A COLD TURKEY, MAN!
Sam: IEEEM NOT TURKEY!!!
Jacob: ITS A FRIGGIN IDIOM!!!
Sam: YOUR THE IDIOM!!!
Brady: Jeez, you two always fight!!!
Jacob: Yeah well-!...oh great Quil's gone again.
Quil: *runs out from trees NUDE* I FEEEEL SWO ALIEEEVE!!!! *runs around in circles*
Jacob: AHHHHH!!!!! *covers eyes*
Paul: Quil put some pants on darnit!
Quil: I CYAN FEEL THE WIND SURGING THROO MYY-
Embry: PLEASE DO NOT FINISH THE SENTENCE!!!
Sam: GO QU *burp* QUIL!!!
(the last section of this scene was removed due to nudity, quilute boy anger, cussing from paul, and Jake going blind from quil's birthday suit spree.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMDE!!!! I-CAN"T-STOP!!!! OK! Ok. ok. okay. i'm good. (stifled giggles) That was uber funny, but there wuz a skit in progress wit Alice, Suddenly jewish bella, and(is Edward still gay?) Esme, Carsisle, Emo/insane Jasper, rosalie, Banana Boy, spastically winking Felix, A Director, Jane, Forkie and Knifey.


To those who were writing it, and wondering how do i know all this, umm yea i've looked at all the skits like the dork i am so i know everything(Not meant to be creepy) U guys are Funny stuff yea i'm retarded. sorry. Continue it guys!!! Please!!?? It's all thats holding my sanity with stupid block schedule and massive homework. (I hate Mrs. Mejia) I would try continuing the skit myself....but i need permission from the Skit Gods like WinniePony,bite_me, Artemis Cullen, ecetera, ecetera. I don't want to ruin it...
*loud whisper* Please?? Please???

[edward x lover]

^^you don't need permission to write on a skit. It is open to anyone!! go for it =]